2020 has thus far been a most remarkable year. Between responses to Covid 19 and a presidential election, the covers have been pulled off many people. Some of us have been surprised to see ourselves more clearly, let alone the people around us. Surprised is a good word to explain what I have experienced emotionally all year. I have not been shocked. I tend to live in the present moment with a solid basis in reality. My surprise did not come from seeing how foolish and often ignorant people could be, although I was saddened to see that more people fit those descriptions that I would hope for. My surprise came from seeing how right I have been for years now.
Years ago I ceased giving others the benefit of the doubt. I decided to give that benefit to myself and to trust my intuition and judgment when it came to others. To those who will say, "Don't judge!" I say, "You are the one judging me right now."
It's important to gain a sense of who is best for us to associate with. If we deal with people and come away feeling less hopeful than when we met, and thinking less of ourselves than we had before, there's a good chance that person isn't interested in our well-being at all. If we need someone to help us to see our flaws more clearly, we have the right to choose who that person will be. Counselors and therapists are well trained to help us look inward.
So, no, I haven't been shocked at the anger that has been spewed and the hate groups that have gathered. I have felt saddened to see negative people speak up so strongly. I would not say I was shocked or even angry. I felt sorrow for those who grew ill and those who were so poorly treated. I felt sorrow for those who lost their lives and those who lost loved ones. Sorrow is not at all like anger.
I felt deep personal sorrow as my life changed drastically and I was unable to be physically present to loved ones. I live alone, although I live in community housing, so there are people around me in the apartment building. We don't share group experiences any longer, but we do see one another on occasion as we pass in the halls.
As the months passed I gained a greater acceptance of the changes and even began to see advantages to social distancing. I no longer had to tolerate those who gathered to gossip or offered negative assessments. I felt calmer and happier without feeling that anyone was assaulting my emotions! Because I didn't have to deal with people as often, I was able to open more than ever and went through an experience I can only describe as cleansing. I watched NetFlix shows and YouTube videos and allowed tears to flow in response to things I viewed. I understood those tears were as much for my own personal sorrow as they were for what I was seeing.
Somewhere along the line, I ceased watching shows and began drawing again. I began writing again. I changed my hairstyle. Then I changed my hair color. I was surprised to see I lost weight. I started humming and often had songs on my mind, just as I had when I was much younger. My joy of living returned.
I do believe that the deeper our sorrow, the greater the joy that will follow. Now I also know that.
I was right!
