THE SURPRISE OF 2020

     2020 has thus far been a most remarkable year. Between responses to Covid 19 and a presidential election, the covers have been pulled off many people. Some of us have been surprised to see ourselves more clearly, let alone the people around us. Surprised is a good word to explain what I have experienced emotionally all year.  I have not been shocked. I tend to live in the present moment with a solid basis in reality. My surprise did not come from seeing how foolish and often ignorant people could be, although I was saddened to see that more people fit those descriptions that I would hope for. My surprise came from seeing how right I have been for years now.    

    Years ago I ceased giving others the benefit of the doubt. I decided to give that benefit to myself and to trust my intuition and judgment when it came to others. To those who will say, "Don't judge!" I say, "You are the one judging me right now."

    It's important to gain a sense of who is best for us to associate with. If we deal with people and come away feeling less hopeful than when we met, and thinking less of ourselves than we had before, there's a good chance that person isn't interested in our well-being at all. If we need someone to help us to see our flaws more clearly, we have the right to choose who that person will be. Counselors and therapists are well trained to help us look inward.  

So, no, I haven't been shocked at the anger that has been spewed and the hate groups that have gathered. I have felt saddened to see negative people speak up so strongly. I would not say I was shocked or even angry. I felt sorrow for those who grew ill and those who were so poorly treated. I felt sorrow for those who lost their lives and those who lost loved ones. Sorrow is not at all like anger.

I felt deep personal sorrow as my life changed drastically and I was unable to be physically present to loved ones. I live alone, although I live in community housing, so there are people around me in the apartment building. We don't share group experiences any longer, but we do see one another on occasion as we pass in the halls.  

As the months passed I gained a greater acceptance of the changes and even began to see advantages to social distancing.  I no longer had to tolerate those who gathered to gossip or offered negative assessments. I felt calmer and happier without feeling that anyone was assaulting my emotions! Because I didn't have to deal with people as often, I was able to open more than ever and went through an experience I can only describe as cleansing. I watched NetFlix shows and YouTube videos and allowed tears to flow in response to things I viewed. I understood those tears were as much for my own personal sorrow as they were for what I was seeing.

Somewhere along the line, I ceased watching shows and began drawing again. I began writing again. I changed my hairstyle. Then I changed my hair color. I was surprised to see I lost weight. I started humming and often had songs on my mind, just as I had when I was much younger. My joy of living returned. 

I do believe that the deeper our sorrow, the greater the joy that will follow. Now I also know that.

I was right!

 

COMING OF AGE

 

Being old is odd. It feels as if it happened overnight. Because my Spirit is young, and will hopefully remain young, I am not usually able to speak of having grown old to anyone. "You are only as old as you feel" etc. comes back to me. I guess no one wants to listen, nor do they want to believe.

I'm old. I wake up in this foreign body each morning. It's odd to feel trapped inside. I adjust to it quickly, probably the way a disabled vet or an amputee does. My physical limitations aren't about to keep me from continuing to have a full life. My life will be full of different activities, perhaps, than in the past.

My pace has slowed a lot, but I find I am right more often than I am wrong now. I do like that! I suppose I made enough mistakes that I learned about a lot of things and, not wanting to go through that pain again, I have a semblance of wisdom. It strikes me funny.

I am often told that I don't look my age. I don't know what others think someone my age is supposed to look like. I see my age when I look in a mirror. I remember what I used to look like. I am grateful that at least when my face fell, it fell into a pleasant shape. I look friendly. I look very approachable. I look harmless.

Yup. I am old.

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

     I was married more than once and changed my last name more than once. I've been alone now for over 27 years.  My legal first name is Betty Ann. Although it's a pretty name, it's always been bothersome, first because people and agencies do not want to accept a double first name and secondly because if was so often said with a derogatory tone when I was young.

    I moved from Massachusetts to New Jersey in 2000 and gave myself a new life.  Although I did not hide my legal name from anyone who needed it, I decided I had always wanted to be a Beth, so I became a Beth from day one.

    Shortly after moving to New Jersey, I began posting things online. I am a prolific poet among other things. Having made a clean break with my past, I didn't want to carry over any name that I didn't feel strongly attached to. I also have always loved the feeling of anonymity.  I became Beth NoLastName. For the record, since I have nothing at all to hide from anyone, I am legally Betty Ann Plankey. I am known as Beth Plankey on social media.  I am Beth NoLastName to hundreds of people who know my story and have read things I write. There was also a time when I lived in Massachusetts that I was known as Lucky Plankey. I was a Realtor for a time and still have one of my business cards with that name right smack in the middle of it. I always smile when I look at that card. (It's magnetized and is attached to a metal door leading out of my apartment.) 

    I've been through many major changes in the last twenty years and would love to change my name again to reflect those changes. Instead, I will begin a new blog and assign it a name. I have chosen Tres Chic.  It sounds good! It rolls of the tongue. It creates the expectation of something wonderful. According to WordSense.eu dictionary:

That's the ticket!

    That's the perfect name for anything I want to express. A way up and out of negativity. An opportunity to chuckle in the midst of a busy day. A sense of a bright light on the path ahead.

Tres Chic! That's the ticket!